1 / 95
"I have never killed anyone. But I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."
2 / 95
Maladjusted and wigging out is no way to go through life, son.
3 / 95
4 / 95
I've got a twisted sense of humor, and everything amuses me.
5 / 95
It ain't over 'til it's over.
Yogi Berra NY Yankee, Philosopher
6 / 95
7 / 95
We should rename California to Newer Mexico.
8 / 95
I start feeling that I am Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
9 / 95
I have such happy days, and hope you do too!!!
10 / 95
You can roll manure in powdered sugar but that don't make it a jelly doughnut.
11 / 95
Don't touch that thing Don't let anybody touch that thing!I'm a Doctor and I won't touch that thing!
12 / 95
God bless America - except for California.
13 / 95
Out of my mind - back in 5
14 / 95
Sprinkles are for winners. Flo Progressive Insurance commercial
15 / 95
The last suit you wear has no pockets!
16 / 95
17 / 95
18 / 95
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
19 / 95
Due to the high price of ammo, no warning shot will be fired.
20 / 95
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable!
21 / 95
The cheese slid off my cracker a long time ago.
22 / 95
You may disagree with what I have to say, but I shall defend to your death my right to say it.
23 / 95
How did I end up in this hand basket, and why is it getting so hot?
24 / 95
What're you going to believe-me or your own eyes? Groucho Marx
25 / 95
A little more rubble, a lot less trouble.
26 / 95
We are surrounded by MORONS.
27 / 95
I don't wanna be buried - - - - - - - - - -..in a pet cemetery. The Ramones
28 / 95
"If we are having diversity classes, shouldn t we be having unity classes?"
29 / 95
I don't mean to cause trouble -it just happens naturally through the Force!
30 / 95
And I was born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus.. Rollin' down Highway 41.
The Allman Brothers
31 / 95
Spriiingtime for islam, and tyranny. Winter for US and frieeends.
Sung to the tune of 'SpringTime for Hitl er and Germany' from The Producers
32 / 95
Ending a sentence with a preposition is nothing to be afraid of.
33 / 95
Beer! Because you can't drink bacon!
34 / 95
I like cream in my covfefe.
35 / 95
George Orwell was an optimist
36 / 95
"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had some eggs."
37 / 95
I regret that I have but one subscription cancellation notice to give to my local newspaper.
38 / 95
The air is always different to a midget on a crowded elevator.
39 / 95
Natural stupidity worries me more than artificial intelligence.
40 / 95
I had a life once but my job ate it
41 / 95
42 / 95
It's a sad day for American capitalism when a man can't fly a midget on a kite over Central Park
43 / 95
Remember, no matter how you slice it, forbidden fruit still tastes the sweetest!
44 / 95
There are two kinds of shopping malls, the ones white people go to, and the ones they used to go to.
45 / 95
I'm as stumped as you are.
46 / 95
Donald Trump will ban auto-correct with an Executive Order.
47 / 95
Life is prickly - carry tweezers.
48 / 95
I enjoy vodka, caviar, and salads with Russian dressing. Investigate me.
49 / 95
My password is always ******* no matter what I type in.
50 / 95
Covfefe: A great dish served piping hot!
51 / 95
Even if you are a cat lover, don’t try to pet the tiger at the zoo.
52 / 95
The future ain't what it used to be.
Yogi Berra NY Yankee
53 / 95
Democrats are LAW-LESS because Republicans are BALL-LESS!!
54 / 95
Rope. Tree. Politician/Journalist. Some assembly required.
55 / 95
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
56 / 95
I shop at Walmart and eat at McDonald's -I just don't tell anyone.
57 / 95
Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.
58 / 95
At one time I held the world record as the worlds youngest person on the planet.
59 / 95
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
60 / 95
A smartass who is right can be downright funny. A smartass who is wrong is just a smartass.
61 / 95
My dog is not fat, she is just big boned.
62 / 95
People who do not study history are destine to believe really ignorant statements.
63 / 95
“I’ve just flown in from California, where they’ve made homosexuality legal. I thought I’d get out before they make it mandatory.”
64 / 95
‘If you don’t watch what you say I’m going to wash your mouth with a Tide pod.’
65 / 95
If all the world is a stage, I would like to request my lighting be adjusted.
66 / 95
Tryin' hard to win the No-Bull Prize.
67 / 95
You can never have enough friends, horsepower or ammunition.
68 / 95
Life is sexually transmitted.
69 / 95
"No" is a complete sentence.
70 / 95
Does Howdy Doody have wooden balls?
71 / 95
I once found a needle in a haystack but it wasn't the one I was looking for.
72 / 95
Do you know what really burns my ass? A flame about 3 feet high.
73 / 95
I'm becoming a cranky old person. It really annoys me.
74 / 95
Oh wait, let me drop everything I'm doing to give my full attention to your problems.
75 / 95
All you get when you straddle the fence is a sore ass.
76 / 95
History has no 'sides'; you're thinking of geometry.
77 / 95
“The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl”
78 / 95
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.
79 / 95
Monica Lewinsky was a Clinton Whistleblower
80 / 95
I was nervous like the third chimp in line for the Ark after rain had started falling.
81 / 95
Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars. All other genders are from Uranus.
82 / 95
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes!
83 / 95
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
84 / 95
The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
85 / 95
To err is human, to admit it divine.
86 / 95
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
87 / 95
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
88 / 95
If God doesn’t burn the world soon, he will owe Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
89 / 95
"Why be difficult, when with just a little more work, you can be impossible."
90 / 95
The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.
91 / 95
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.
92 / 95
Call an addiction hotline and say you're hooked on phonics.
93 / 95
Paragraph Breaks are like farts, they relieve the stress.
94 / 95
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
95 / 95
The American Indian word for vegetarian means poor hunter.